An Important Annnouncement From Alfonso The Weevil

-embargo 9am Thurs 21st May 2009-

Over recent days, it has become abundantly clear to me that our parliament is no longer - in the current jargon - fit for purpose.

Pages and pages of newsprint detailing how, while we slept softly in our beds, our representatives snuck out to the newsagents and flagrantly bought toilet brushes and jumbo packs of Doritos at our expense. Allegations that individual members claimed properties in the East Midlands were their "main home", as if anyone would be so foolish as to admit that. And the holder of the most venerable office in the mother of all democracies driven from his golden throne with pointed branches and whips, stripped naked, doused in honey and feathers and left chained to the statue of Winston Churchill.

Your democracy is clearly in disarray, and once more, as history has so often shown us, you must turn to the line of Weevil for succour. And this Weevil, for one, is only too glad to make you that succour.

Which is why, as of today, I am formally announcing the revival of a long dormant but ancient political party. The Weevilists. The Weevilists - the party responsible for some of the brightest flames in the history of government - Weevil the Elder, Weevil The Younger, Weevil Chamberlain, Harold Weevilson- I could go on.

But I stand before you today, determined to draw a line in the mud, and announce a new future for our party and this country.

The Weevilist Party of today will hence forward be known as W2 or Weevil Squared. Squared, because we want to square the circle of the mess that we now find ourselves in.

We have some very clear aims:

1. The absolute ban on Doritos in all government owned buildings.
2. Toilet brushes to be provided free of charge to every man, woman and weevil.
2. The entire East Midlands region to be razed to the ground, and declared a No Go zone.
3. The whipping, tarring and feathering of the Speaker to be made an annual tradition, and televised.

I hope that this makes clear we will not shrink from difficult or unpopular decisions, or our collective responsibility.

I urge the Prime Minister to do the responsible thing, and to stop lounging around his swimming pool at 10 Downing St in his tight speedos, sipping on strawberry daiquiris, and to put down the Jackie Collins novels, and pick up the phone to call a General Election.

Because when he calls that General Election, he can be sure General Election will say "Hello? Who is this? And why are you calling me at this time of night?" And we need to be sure that the Prime Minister will say "Because we need you, General Election, and quick. I am running out of daiquiris." I could go on.

When that day arrives, you will have a very clear choice. To do nothing, and watch your personal bill for flavoured tortilla chips and toilet accessories literally go through the roof. Or, to stick your cross in my box.

Stick your cross in my box, and vote Weevil.

GOODBYE DORITOS. GOODBYE EAST MIDLANDS.

HELLO TOILET BRUSHES. AND A NEW BRITAIN!

Thank you very much

Alfonso the Weevil
(Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for Bladdersby and Chumnut South, Weevilists aka W2)